JOYSTICKS
Starring Joe Don Baker, directed by Greydon Clark
1 star (out of 5)
I watched a lot of crap in the 80s. We all did, because most movies made in the 80s were crap. For every Airplane! there were eight Police Academy movies, for every E.T. there were eight Friday the 13th sequels, and for every Raging Bull there was a Mac and Me.
But I have found the absolute worst comedy of the 80s, the decade that brought us The Garbage Pail Kids movie. This abomination is Joysticks. It makes the Porky’s trilogy look like The Godfather films.
The first thing you need to know is that it was directed by Greydon Clark, whose work is familiar to fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and Rifftrax. His catalogue of work includes Angel’s Revenge, Final Justice, and Star Games (which absolutely has to be fucking seen to be believed — I may have to write about it soon). It also stars Joe Don Baker. That’s right kids! Mitchell himself!
This came out in 1983, when video games were all the rage — a trend that sadly didn’t last. The entire first 3 minutes of this thing is nothing but a montage of Pole Position and Defender, girl’s asses in tight shorts, and an insipid song that repeats the lyrics “Totally awesome video games!” about a hundred times. It made me miss the musical majesty of Buckner and Garcia’s Pac-Man Fever.
Then we meet one of our movie’s heroes, Eugene (Leif Green) a nerd, because nerds were a hi-larious staple of every 80s comedy. He gets waylaid on the way to his new job at an arcade by 2 bimbos in a convertible. This being an 80s comedy, it takes about 10 seconds for them to flash their boobs and try to entice him into some kind of threesome (in a convertible, in broad daylight) before they pants him and drive off cackling.
But it’s okay, see? Because it was all a set up. A friendly hazing from his awesome new boss, Jeff (Scott McGinnis), a guy who’s even more Ted McGinley than Ted McGinley. This handsome asshole is the manager of the local arcade, which attracts every 80s stereotype. There’s the Valley Girls, the bimbos, and a fat slob named McDorfus (Jim Greenleaf, looking like an early 80s Artie Lange). Does he have a scene where he gets to blow a ripe, stinky fart? No…he’s got FIVE! This is the 80s! Every movie had someone ripping ass in the 80s!
Not to veer off topic, but why is the joke always about a fat guy farting? Like somehow they’re stinkier. I knew a girl once who was 5'3" and a hundred pounds soaking wet, and when she fired one off flowers would wilt. Also, this movie has actors with the weed-friendly monikers Leif Green and Greenleaf. I assume it’s because you’d need to be higher than Shaq’s top hat to be entertained by this garbage fire.
There’s another stereotype here, and I’m going to need some help understanding it. There is a group of Punk Rockers, led by a guy named King Vidiot (Jon Gries, aka Uncle Rico). This was back in the day when those horrible Punk Rockers were scaring parents everywhere, if they weren’t already scared shitless of the evils of Dungeons and Dragons. Usually in these movies, the Punk Rockers were violent toughs. But not here.
Please, please tell me what in the name of Sid Fucking Vicious is going on here:
Do I have to get into the plot? It’s every stupid plot from every stupid movie. The Big Bad Businessman (Baker) is uptight about his daughter being corrupted by Mario and Q*bert, so he tries to shut the arcade down. The only thing that can save it is a video game contest for all the marbles. Replace video games with dancing, and an arcade with a rec center, and you’ve literally got Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo. This entire movie is like a shitty mad lib.
There’s a scrap of a subplot involving Jeff pining for his long lost love, but he’s also having threesomes with the bimbos, so fuck him. There’s also an appearance by John Voldstad, best known as Darryl from Newhart (not that one, the other one).
There’s one last trope that this movie shares with others like it, and that’s not being able to tell the difference between punchlines and borderline sexual assault. It’s not just the groping and pantsing of Eugene, or all the grab-ass. At one point a couple of these dipshits break into Big Bad Businessman’s house, where his wife is sleeping — presumably on Valium. When they fall on her, she immediately gets horny, or as horny as a barely-conscious middle-aged woman on over-prescribed pharmaceuticals can be. It’s the same trope from a hundred other movies, and it’s never been funny.
This movie looks like someone drove by an arcade, saw a bunch of kids, and thought, “There’s my movie!” As it turns out, that’s exactly what happened. Greydon Clark saw a lineup and made a movie. Too bad he never set foot inside an arcade himself. There’s no way early 80s gamers would have watched this bowlwinder and thought, “Hey, this is speaking to me!” This is what happens when you make a shitty movie that also doesn’t understand it’s target audience.
There isn’t a single, solitary laugh to be had with Joysticks, unless you giggle every time you see boobs in a movie. I’m a 48 year old man. That almost never happens to me anymore.
It’s just fucking abysmal.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to write a real movie about video games. It’ll be all about how I got bored and spent the lockdown playing Red Dead Online fifteen hours a day. As stupid as that sounds, I guarantee it’d be better than Joysticks.
